Will you blow on my dice?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
