im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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