Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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