How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I currently don't understand fingers.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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