we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
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She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
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Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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