If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
