I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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