A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
