Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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