turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
