Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
