i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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