I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
