Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
