I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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