I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am midnight drunk by noon
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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