seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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