An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
