you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he was CRYING into my vagina
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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