this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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