I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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