Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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