GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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