I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Oh god it's open bar.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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