Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
