What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Found the puke drawer
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
