i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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