If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
