i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
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You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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