I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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