sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
