my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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