I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
