I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
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will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
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Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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