Ambien. No doubt about it.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
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