I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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