You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
