I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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