Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
And then he peed in my hair
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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