Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
