today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
