i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
