just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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