Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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