is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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