he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
