somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
now i know why i became what i already was.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
