just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
