I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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