I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
