Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
