please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
