I want to make a zoo with you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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