exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
