we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
