How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
