i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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