Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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