Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
