Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
