Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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